A few years later, her dad re-married an LDS woman who is an extremely nice person. Her mom moved in with her boyfriend and now my friend never sees her. Her step-mother has jumped into this family doing such a great job. She is the complete opposite of her real mom though. She is quiet, soft spoken, and sweet as can be. Her mom on the other hand though, was always loud and out spoken, and spunky. It took my friend a long time before she felt truly comfortable with her step mom. Yes, she has always loved her and thought she was great, but she can't just replace her mom.
Do you have a step mom? Was it hard to accept her in your home? Or what about a step dad? Just curious what your thoughts are.
We got this book published that is coming out next month called "The Not So Wicked Stepparent" by Sherrie Mackelprang. She tells her experiences as a stepchild and a stepparent. Not only does she share her humorous stories about being a stepparent and child, she shares uplifting quotes, and practical tips to help any stepparent adjust to the emotional roller coaster ride of instant parenthood.
If you are interested in The Not-so-WICKED Stepparent, check it out on our website.
I'm surprised there are no comments here. I also have been both a stepmom and a stepchild. I've known "evil" stepmoms, who consider their husband's kids to be an intrusion and a bother and make no effort to make peace with their mom. And I have known stepmoms who sacrifice even their own kids' happiness or comfort to make sure their stepchild is okay with their situation.
ReplyDeleteIt's a tough issue as no two situations or people are the same.
Wow! I just discovered this! What a wonderful place for LDS step mom's to come together and support one another.
ReplyDeleteMe again! I'll spread the word about this spot.
ReplyDeleteSherrie, thanks for your comments! Please do spread the word about our blogs for Cedar Fort, Inc. I haven't been on here for a while but keep watching for more posts about our upcoming new releases.
ReplyDeleteOur other blogs are: cedarfortbooks.blogspot.com, cedarfortrecipes.blogspot.com, cfimoneywiselife.blogspot.com, and cedarfortromance.blogspot.com.
I read Sherrie's book a few weeks ago & loved it! It was so refreshing to focus on the positives of being a step-mom. I love my three step-kids. I know I'm not the center of their universe, and that's okay. I don't get mother's day cards or birthday cards or Christmas gifts - and I admit, sometimes it's a bummer. However, last weekend, when one step-daughter had made some really bad choices, & I was the one who was able to give her a warm hug, let her sob on my shoulder, & tell her how much I loved her - I felt that it was a genuine privilege to be a part of her life. At that precise moment, the lack of recognition for being a step-mom didn't mean one darn thing. But comforting her in her sadness & regret made me feel more Christ-like. And THAT is what it's all about!
ReplyDeleteSusan, thank you. You are exactly right! That is what it is all about!
ReplyDeleteWe are nearly a house full of teenagers. My youngest stepdaughter crosses over to teenager-hood (is that a word?) this month. Goodness, they all try so hard to be instant adults. They often overflow with words of advice and wisdom...LOL. I'd love to hear other people share some of their teenager-raising experiences. I'm sure we could write several books on the topic! I do love being able to share in the big events at this time in their lives. I love when they come to me for advice on things like a tuxedo rental, an Eagle Scout project, and what books to read. They do come up with plenty surprises to keep me on my toes.
Just got this link from a friend, and I think it is great. I never had a step parent but now find that I am one. Having a step son has presented challenges (most definitely), however I find that I cannot even begin to comprehend the blessing that he is to me. Let me know if you start a step mom blog, I would love to take part:)
ReplyDeleteChristy, thanks for sharing your thoughts! It is so nice to have the support of fellow stepmoms! I hope we can keep this going. There are other blogs for stepparents out there, but they lean heavily toward the negatives of step-parenthood. I agree with you...Step kids are a blessing. I've often looked at the challenges and wondered if I'd do it again (knowing what I know now of the tough times) and I know that I would.
ReplyDeleteThe whole question of 'would you do it again?' has popped up a lot in the last several years as a step-mom. That is such a tricky question & as I have seriously pondered it, I have come up with multi-faceted answers for myself - YES - but I would go back & find my husband when we were kids & invite him to mutual! :) OR - yes, but I would strive to be more kind & patient early on. OR - yes, but I would first work at building a better relationship w/ my husband's ex-wife (if both mommies ain't happy - ain't nobody happy). OR - yes, but I would live next door to my hubby's ex-wife so the kids wouldn't suffer as much living between two homes.
ReplyDeleteThe only reason I have ever thought NO, I would not do it again, is because I have seen the pain their parent's divorce has caused my step-kids - even then I think I would go back, get their parents straightened out & keep them married - I would gracefully 'bow out'.
But that last one sounds too much like I'm trying to rule the universe so nobody has any pain or challenges or heartache - and we all know THAT doesn't really work in our pursuit of true happiness. The pain & heartache help us understand love & charity & kindness. In the end...it's all good.
Susan, you are always so good. Your comments really sparked a lot of thoughts. I've had similar feelings.
ReplyDeleteI was just thinking yesterday about how much I've changed as a result of my choice to step parent.
When I married my husband I put aside many of the things that I enjoyed. My guitar and love of hiking went on the back burner. It wasn't until two years ago that I really made an effort to bring these things back into my life, and it has been WONDERFUl! We have been on several fun hiking trips as a family. It really creates a venue for great conversation when your out in the sticks...no cell phones or ipods. :) Music has become a huge part of our little family. We actually had our first performance as a family just this month. It was a great experience to help glue us all together. So, if I could go back...I'd get us hiking and singing a lot sooner. Ahhh, the 20/20 vision of looking back.
Even though I have e-mailed the link to this blog to dozens & dozens of friends, family members, ward members, & co-workers, I don't think anybody but Sherrie & I are actually using it. Bummer.
ReplyDeleteEven if Sherrie doesn't end up reading this one, I'm going to write it anyway. Ha ha.
This afternoon I was reading a book 'Sister to Sister' - lots of short chapters about various topics dealing w/ women. The first one is about mother-in-laws & daughter-in-laws. The thought came to me that I call my mom, 'mom, I call my mother-in-law, 'mom', and that one day my two good step-daughters will most likely marry & call their mothers-in-law 'mom', but I will never be called, 'mom'. It made me sad.
I'm not able to have my own children & the topic of what I was to be called by my step-daughters was a touchy topic for my husband's ex-wife. I assured her I was not planning to take over her role as mother, knowing full well that I would be a mother of sorts anyway. It was settled that my step-daughters would call me by my first name.
That quick decision has caused me much regret. I get that their mom is their mother, but I am a mother as well. I know that by calling me by my first name, the girls sometimes tend to see me as an equal, which isn't quite right & therefore has caused some stress over the years.
But, as I have pondered it many times since our wedding, the question remains, 'what should they call me?' Being the pragmatist that I am, I suppose 'step-mom' is the most appropriate/accurate - but I've never heard anyone else do that. Hmmm.
I would love to sit down w/ the girls & see what ideas they have, but I wonder what other suggestions people may have. Which is why I wish more people were involved in this blog. I could really use some creative ideas here!
I'm in the same boat. Once upon a time ago, the kids all tested out the title of "mom" on me. I remember the day that the oldest called me mom. It was so unexpected, and it made me feel so good. Sadly, it was short lived. It was shut down by their mother. I do understand her point of view, but it did alter my relationship with the kids. I lost my role as a parent and became a sort of nanny. I even tried coming up with a cutsie name, calling the kids my "bonus kids." The oldest shut me down on that one. I was informed that they were not bonus kids, and I was just their stepmother. So, they call me by my first name.
ReplyDeleteI must say that the one that stung the most was when I heard my husband referring to the kids' mom as their "mommy." I too am unable to have kids of my own. It's silly, but hearing it from him just seemed to rub salt in the wound. It was an innocent and a simple blunder on his part. Goodness, what we experience!
If your able to talk to your girls about it. It would be interesting to hear their thoughts. Keep us posted.
I hope we'll see more faces on this page.
So my birthday was last week & the girls were supposed to come for the weekend. But as is getting more usual each month, they did not. I had told them years ago that the only time I would give them a hard time about not visiting when they were supposed to was on Father's Day, their Dad's birthday, & Thanksgiving/Christmas (whichever one we had that year). Sidebar: 'visiting' is such an icky word - 'visiting' their own dad is awful. My hubby & I both remember the first time the girls referred to our house as 'home' & we both looked at each other & smiled. It wasn't 'dad's house' vs. 'mom's house', it was simply home. Big sigh of contentment.
ReplyDeleteAnyway...
I was NOT going to give them a hard time for not coming last weekend, but since we have a party every year for me (it happens to fall on/near General Conference weekend & since we have family in from out of town, we always throw me a big party for my b-day - good timing!), I like to have them here so they can interact w/ all the extended family.
When they told me they weren't coming, even though I was a bit disappointed, I told them I would miss them but that I understood (they're busy w/ JROTC at school & had some sort of practice they needed to attend).
Here's the good part though - earlier in the week the older one had said she knew my b-day was coming up & that she would send me a card. Funny how the teeny-tiny things make you happy. Even though I didn't think she'd follow through (which she didn't), I was glad she remembered it was going to be my b-day & she had some sort of small desire to recognize me. THEN, on my actual b-day, she sent me a text message early in the morning & followed it up in the afternoon w/ a posting on my facebook page! Yay. She really remembered me! I told her thanks & that it really meant a lot to me. I'm sure she doesn't get that it REALLY did mean a lot to me.
It's the simple things in life that bring us smiles.
For quite a while I have disliked the phrase 'they're teenagers - that's just normal'. It really hasn't set well for me & recently, as I was expressing some frustration w/ a teen situation at church, I decided why exactly it doesn't set well with me. Because it excuses bad behavior. As though being a teenager means it's acceptable to talk back, be rude, thoughtless & inconsiderate & never offer an apology for said poor behavior. Really!??! Is that what we, as a society, have come to? Not only accepting & tolerating this kind of behavior, but we actually laugh it off &, in a perverse way, celebrate it? Where is the accountability? I know that I sound like I'm steaming mad - I'm not, I'm actually saddened by the lack of effort most adults put into raising good & thoughtful children. Tsk tsk.
ReplyDeleteWow! What a crazy couple of weeks. I do have some good news! "The Not-So-Wicked Stepparent" won the bronze award in the religious category on the League of Utah Writers published works contest.
ReplyDeleteWe've had some rough roads these past two weeks with one of mine. It is so sad to see how opposition takes hold and hangs on tight. I'd been praying for this child. My prayers were answered. It was me that ended up being the one to lay the cards on the table and get things out in the open. It was one of those golden moments where it was so nice to be able to help out one of the kids in a truly meaningful way. The turn-around in this child's life has been so moving. I am so thankful for answers to prayers.
Thank you for your thoughts on teenager-ness! I agree! The world is sliding away from common values in the name of preserving self esteem. Yikes! I thought self esteem was built, not granted.
Anyway, I hope you all have a wonderful day!
Thank heaven for my 'step-mom-support-group' - which is really just a couple of good friends.
ReplyDeleteThis morning I spent a couple of hours talking to my dear friend. We will go for weeks w/out really connecting (I'm on the West coast & she's on the East coast), but when we talk, it's amazing how we have the same types of issues going on in both our houses at the same time!
I have an older brother who plays the piano beautifully & we have a cousin from Missouri who also plays the piano. Once or twice a year they would connect up & find they were working on the exact same piece of music - Scott Joplin or Rachmaninoff or something.
I find that happens w/ my friend, but in a step-mom/parent/wife sort of way. It really does help to know that I'm not alone in my struggles - and that we support each other.
I only wished she still lived here so we could sneak away for a banana chocolate milkshake sometimes.
AND....YAY Sherrie for winning the bronze award for your book. That is great news! I'm happy for you & I bet you're pleased. Go celebrate!
ReplyDeleteThanks! I am thrilled!
ReplyDeleteMy sister and I seem to have similar hurdles in parenthood. She is not a stepparent, but it is amazing how kids from totally different backgrounds can make the same decisions.
It has been a wonderful weekend. It was fun to have some time off work to get things done around the house.
The kids are with their mom for the weekend. We pick them up this evening. There is always a period of readjustment when they return home. I wonder why that is?
The 'readjustment' thing (my step-mom friend calls it decompression) is a totally real phenomenon. ha ha.
ReplyDeleteSince we only see my step-girls every so often (it's been nearly two months since they were here last) - it always takes a few hours to adjust to things here as well. I find it goes more smoothly if, right when they walk in, I say hi to them & start asking them questions.
For a long time I would hang back & give them some space & let them come in, get their bags to their room, & take a few minutes to get settled. But when the younger one commented that I always seem to be busy when they get here, I figured I should change my MO.
Now, since the visits are so few & far between (& very short), I figure I better jump right in as soon as they get here!
An important phrase I've come to appreciate over the years is, 'take what you can get'. When they're here I try to appreciate the time we have.
When they leave it's kind of bitter-sweet. It would be nice to have them here longer, but it's nice to go back to my normal routine.
November is here, and Christmas is coming. Every person who raises and works with children has a Christmas story. I'd love to open this up for some Christmas-time sharing. We've all seen it all--the good, the bad, and the ugly. I loved it last Christmas when we surprised the kids. They were scheduled to be with their mom for Christmas,so we decided to hold Christmas early. On the night of December 14th we slipped all the gifts under the tree and filled all the stockings. Bright and early the next morning my husband and I skipped down the hall calling, "Wake up, wake up! Santa came!" Three groggy teenagers stumbled from their rooms and looked at us as though we had just stumbled out of an asylum. It didn't take them long, however, to get into the spirit of things. We drank hot chocolate. We enjoyed our tradition of Christmas morning omelets. We played games and stayed in our PJ's as long as we could. It was a beautiful day!
ReplyDeleteIn a blink the days have flown by. Each day is a fresh adventure. What adventures are you all a part of today?
ReplyDeleteSherrie - I love that you did a Christmas morning on the 14th of December! That is awesome!
ReplyDeleteWhat we like to do for Christmas is to have a special Christmas Eve dinner at our home w/ just my step-children & then we typically go to a family party at my parent's home. Each family or person shares some sort of Christmassy talent, story, or game. We sing The Friendly Beasts & Dad reads Luke 2. When we're done we pig out on a buffet of cheeses, crackers, chocolate fondue, desserts, & sparking cider. Then we drive around looking at Christmas lights.
Christmas morning each family is generally at their own home (there are three of us in town) but mom & dad will spend some time driving around to each house & sharing a bit in the Christmas Day fun.
Years ago, when my oldest brother was born, a dear friend of my mom's made him a hand knit Christmas stocking. She went on to make one for each of the 7 siblings. My mom was a knitter & she made them for all the in-laws & grandkids & one year a sister-in-law had some knit for my parents & Grandma. Needless to say, stocking stuffers are a HUGE part of our Christmas morning. We can spend an hour or two just looking through those (the stockings are quite large)!
As the holidays are quickly approaching, there is an air of 'wonderment'. I wonder if I've lost enough weight in my 'pre-holiday-diet' so that I can eat all the fabulous holiday food with abandon! I wonder if there will be thick & lasting fog (for people in snowy areas of the world, it is my version of a white Christmas - I LOVE the fog - when our home is enveloped by heavy early morning fog, we are suddenly all alone in our large city & a sort of quiet descends upon us & it feels calm). I wonder if I will be able to refrain from spending too much money on the abundance of beautiful decorations & candles & sumptuous treats I see everywhere I turn. I wonder how often I will be able to sit quietly each evening with only the candles lit & listen to a beautiful Christmas hymn as I take in the sparkly magic of my own beautiful living room & my treasured hand carved olive wood nativity.
ReplyDeleteAnd most importantly....I wonder how much time we will have with my step-children and will we be able to build one more strong link in our unique relationships. As the children grow older, each time they visit I feel like there are better & stronger connections forged. Last weekend I asked my older step-daughter to come on a walk with me after lunch on a Sunday afternoon. The air was crisp & clear & the leaves around us were a riot of colors - burgundies, sunset oranges, ambers, sandalwood browns... It was a beautiful half hour of talking & laughing & expressions of love.
I have found that following the promptings that Heavenly Father sends me are vital in strengthening my relationships with my step-children. All too often those thoughts of action (to give a hug, tell one of them I love them, or ask them to spend time with me...) have come & gone and I have not heeded them. I can tell you that the times I follow through with those thoughts, the better I feel about our relationships & the more I love I feel connected to them. Whether they feel the same, I do not know, but I know it brings a better atmosphere to our humble home & there are fewer arguments and pettiness.
I wonder if I will be brave enough to follow through with EVERY prompting that comes my way this holiday season?
I share your ambition to follow those promptings that are so valuable. One of my step kids has been beating a path down a very rough road. I am so thankful for promptings and answers to prayers. For the past couple of fast Sunday's, as I've prayed to know what to fast for,this child has been on my mind. I am so happy for the chance to help this child out in that way. I sometimes feel like my hands are tied as I try to be there and help the kids out with things, but I feel that fasting for this child opened doors that would otherwise have been closed. (Perhaps I felt an inkling of what Alma must have felt in his fasting and praying for his son.) I felt those quiet nudges of inspiration. I was able to have some very heartfelt conversations with this child. We were able to communicate so easily and the spirit was so abundant. What a beautiful blessing it is to have the gospel. I am really proud of the kids and their testimonies. They really make an effort to do the right thing.
ReplyDeleteMostly, I extend to all my fellow stepmoms that we are not alone in what we do. I think back to all the tough times...even though I thought I'd lose my mind...I was supported by a loving heavenly father...we all are.
Susan, I love reading your experiences. You are such a neat person. You Christmas traditions sound wonderful.
Thanksgiving was wonderful. A nice relaxing day with my hubby, some light cooking, and an afternoon spent eating sumptuous food & enjoying the parents, siblings, in-laws, & elders. Big sigh of contentment. I'm so grateful that that was truly my first thought about yesterday....because my first thought COULD have been something else...
ReplyDeleteThe other thing that occurred yesterday was the ramping up of what may very well be 'child support wars' between my husband and his ex-wife. My husband has been keeping his ex-wife up to speed as to what his employment/income situation has been as of late (not good) & yesterday there were some slightly unpleasant e-mails from her - and yet...we didn't let it ruin our Thanksgiving. Yay! He calmly replied that he will take care of meeting with our family lawyer to assure that we are meeting our obligations (which we always have). But my point is this - we have improved greatly in the area of detaching ourselves from the negative & focusing on the positive.
Let's see if we can keep it that way! haha
Way to go! It is so hard to let the icky stuff stay out of the forefront of our lives. I love that your Thanksgiving was still wonderful! It seems like the holidays especially stir up the tough stuff.
ReplyDeleteWe had the kids this year for Christmas day. As I was planning for the day, I was feeling a little bad. I was feeling out of step because of what I felt were a lack of traditions. We don't usually get the kids for Christmas. Anyway, my husband and I decided that it was our tradition to hold Christmas early. So, like last year, we surprised the kids and had Christmas a week early. It worked out great! They all got money from us so they had that week to buy whatever they liked. My youngest bought a sewing machine. We had a good time working on projects together. On the actual Christmas day we gave the kids a couple of little gifts and they opened their gifts to each other. Then we slipped over to my in-laws for some early-morning secret service. We chopped and stacked a mountain of fire wood. The kids weren't overly eager at first, but they got into the spirit of things. It was a nice day.
Had a wonderful time at a book review. It was so fun to share passages and enjoy the feedback from the members of the book club. Thanks for inviting me.
ReplyDeleteAs a side note. I have not fallen off the face of the earth. I am no longer on facebook, but I do have my Twitter account.
Happy step parenting!