Brittany Mangus, author of "Prepare Now For The Temple" wrote this post below. It's a wonderful story with a very personal touch to it. She says:
"Adoption Doesn't Cure Infertility
I remember during our adoption orientation in 2007, the myth of "adoption cures infertility" was brought up. In my mind I kind of got hung up on that because I guess I thought that once we added children to our family, those feelings would just go away.
And yes, it is true that since beginning the adoption process I have healed a lot, (I was actually OK at church last Mother's Day, and that was even before we met our son's birth mom). I can now go down the baby isle at the store, I can even go to baby showers now without the threat of a panic attack. But there are still times where those old, crappy feelings crop up.
For me, sometimes it catches me off guard, like when I bought a baby book for my son. I started filling it out with the normal information (weight and length at birth, etc.) and then I came across things like "Some people say I inherited these qualities from my mommy and daddy: _________." I just sat there and stared at the page. It was just kind of a reminder that our situation was different. I love that adoption is part of who my baby is, but it brought up that familiar hurt... you know, that sometimes I wish that I could have given birth to him.
When stuff like that happens, I have to remember to just take a step back and think of how blessed we've been. The good news is, for me, the bitterness of infertility has faded over time. Even though adoption has not cured those feelings, I think I have learned how to deal with it a little bit better.
And who knows, maybe my son will "inherit" my husband's love for camping and hunting, or my love for books. I'll just have to wait a little longer to fill out that page of his baby book. And that's ok. :)"
I have often thought about this subject and I think that's why this story touched me so much. I have been told my my doctor that I don't ovulate every month and therefore may have a difficult time getting pregnant when that time comes. I worry how I could react to it if someday they told me I could not get pregnant. What would I say? What would I do? I do feel as though I am not strong enough to deal with that. I look up to those who can get through it. I think adoption is great. Anyway, just a few things to think about. Have any of you struggles with this? Miscarriage? Adoption? Infertility?
Thanks again Brittany for sending this story. Check out more of her stories on the blog she contributes to: www.ldsadoptioncouples.blogspot.com
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Thanks for posting this! I just wanted to say that I do consider him to be "my own child" even though at this point in the adoption we are not sealed to him in the temple. He became "mine" the second his courageous birth mother told us she had chosen us to parent him. There is such a deep connection between us and him; adoption is such a beautiful, spiritual thing.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I just need to be reminded by the Lord that it's OK that my son doesn't have Que's eyes or my smile. :)
I can't imagine what that was like to take him into your arms for the first time. I believe that children that are adopted are meant to go to the families that they go to. I do agree with you- adoption has got to be a beautiful and spiritual thing. I would love to adopt someday. Everything happens for a reason. :)
ReplyDeleteI love Brittany's story! Thank you for sharing. I, too, deal with infertility and have felt the wide range of emotions that are a part it. It is especially difficult dealing with infertility in an LDS environment where everything about life is family oriented. The great thing is that families come in all shapes and sizes! And, how wonderful that we find compensatory blessings, even though they are sometimes hard to identify. I am grateful to find people who are just like me (infertile) every day and to find that there is strength and hope!!
ReplyDeleteThat was such a sweet comment Kerstin. I loved how you said "The great thing is that families come in all shapes and sizes!" It's so true. When we are going through trials, it's so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.. but I am glad there are others that can help you through similar problems like you have.
ReplyDeleteI had never considered this aspect of adoption, but I guess I've bought into the myth. A sweet sister in law of mine dreamed through her teen years of having a housefull of kids, only to find out she was unable to get pregnant. When she married, they adopted a baby boy. That was 19 yrs ago. She never did realize her dream of filling her home with children, but her son shares so many family traits, sometimes it's hard to remember he was adopted. Several people say he looks just like his uncle (my husband), which always makes me smile.
ReplyDeleteShe was there for me for a couple of my pregnancies, and I always tried to be sensitive to her feelings about it. We talked a lot; mostly she was curious about how it felt and what it was like. I guess I've always known, on some level, that adopting her son didn't resolve that desire to bear a child of her own--we once considered my being a surrogate for them--but I'd never had it put into words for me. Thanks for posting.
I'd like to comment on 3 things about this article.
ReplyDelete1) I love Brittany's story because it is so honest. She explains how adoption and infertility might be involved in the same story, but they have separate needs.
2) In your comment at the end of the story you interpreted Brittany's story to mean she didn't feel like her son was her own son. I didn't get that from her story at all. I thought her story was talking about the mourning of not experiencing some of the biological blessings of motherhood. She never implied that it makes her son any less hers.
3) "All things happen for a reason" is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. Whatever feel-good idiot that saying originated from should be smacked upside the head and given a lesson on the plan of salvation. "All things happen for a reason" implies that the horrible things are given to us by God, which is insulting to my God. Bad things happen because we chose to come to an imperfect world where natural disasters, disease, accidents, bodily imperfections, God's influence, Satan's influence, our own agency, and the agency of other people, all occur. God intervenes in our lives all the time, but he is not a puppet-master controlling all the horrible things that happen to us. He does however, have everything to do with the healing journey, with helping us learn from our horrible things and how we deal with them, and with turning our ashes into beauty. I am so grateful for the ashes in my life that he has turned into beauty.
I'm sorry you felt that way about my comment at the end. It was never intentionally meant to imply that Brittany didn't feel that her child was her own. I was referring to myself. I can tell Brittany is a great mother and has so much love for her baby through her words. I never meant for anyone to think that I thought that. I was referring to something along the lines like you said "not experiencing some of the biological blessings of motherhood".
ReplyDeleteIf I wasn't able to have a baby, yes, I would be sad. But adoption is a beautiful thing and I think you can still be a fantastic mother and feel just as much love, if not more for your adopted child. I'm sorry you felt I meant otherwise.
Sometimes I worry about posting personal things like this because I fear that things can get mis-interpreted. I guess it's good we all have our own opinions and can share what we really meant and feel.
I'm sorry I went off on your "all things happen for a reason" comment. Sometimes I am a little hot-headed.
ReplyDeleteYou're fine. Don't worry about it. Thats the beauty of the freedom of speech. We all have opinions and that's fine.
ReplyDeleteTrue. But I could have been more respectful. :)
ReplyDelete